


Is That Alright?

by AlexxAplin



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, M/M, Prelude to a Fix-It, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 15:01:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18813298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexxAplin/pseuds/AlexxAplin
Summary: This Fic is a two-chapter examination of Quentin and Eliot. They each write a letter to the other. Quentin's is sometime during Season 4, while Eliot's comes after Quentin's death.





	1. I'm Holding on For Love

**Author's Note:**

> At some point I want to make this into a proper Fix-It. But this all just flowed out of me the other day, and I couldn't get it out of my head. 
> 
> (Also Chapter 2 is a prologue of what we SHOULD be getting out of Season 5.) 
> 
> I should also mention that i'm unused to posting fics solo, since I usually write collaboratively, but there is more to come.

Quentin stumbled into a chair, exhausted. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept, or the last time he’d had real food that wasn’t interrupted by bloodshed. The Monster was like a homicidal baby, one that wouldn’t fucking leave him alone. This was the first night in a few weeks that he’d had a moment to himself.

It was this realization that had him get up from the chair, walking to grab a sheet of paper and a pen, with an envelope. “You might not get another chance at this Coldwater, better do it now.” he told himself quietly.

He sat back down, and put the pen to the paper, his hand shaking as he finally let himself cry, beginning to write a letter.

-

_Eliot,_

 

_If you are reading this...well, honestly I don’t know what has happened. Maybe i’m still here, deciding to give you a glimpse into my head over these past few weeks, or maybe I’m gone. Maybe I have died in some heroic fashion, or The Monster killed me in a fit of rage._

_Regardless of the circumstances, I need to tell you a few things. I need you to know them, and I need to know that even if I am gone, you can read this and hopefully feel my love for you in every stroke of this pen._

_When we met, I was a disaster, who didn’t know what his place in the world was. Who am I kidding, I’m still a disaster, but...for fifty years I was your disaster._

_I wish I could go back to that. The little cottage, the serenity, the feeling of your hands in my hair, or your hand on the back of my neck._

_-_

Quentin wiped his eyes, pausing in his writing to keep the tears from blurring his vision. Once he had managed to calm himself, he took a sip of water, trying to remember to drink after being told so many years ago that “if you’re depressed, you still need to stay hydrated.” He wasn’t good at caring for himself, and yet...this was important.

-

_I need you to know, that those years were the best of my life. My depression wasn’t gone, but it was quieter. When my mind broke, you were there to pick me up. You were always there to be a safe space to fall, and in the aftermath of that, I panicked. I thought that if I didn’t IMMEDIATELY tell you what I was feeling, and what I wanted, you’d think it didn’t mean anything. I guess it turns out that by trying so hard, I pushed too fast, and…_

_No wonder you rejected me._

_All I’ve ever done is break things. I fucked things up with us after the threesome. I fucked things up with Alice, I tried to fix things by bringing Alice back, and that only broke things further. Every time I try to do something good, for myself or someone else...I break it, and a piece of me breaks with it._

_I have a lot of regrets in my life Eliot. I have so many things in my life that I messed up, and that I should have done better. Spending those fifty years in Fillory with you, is the one thing that I will never regret._

_You said that if I had any other choice, I wouldn’t choose you. I can’t begin to figure out what you feel about it, but the truth is that you’re wrong._

_If we had 50 timelines, and every one gave us the option to be together, I would choose you in every single one. At first, I didn’t think that was the case. I was a fool to think that maybe you were right. But now, looking back, I realize that since we first met, I’ve orbited you like you were the sun._

_I found myself looking for you in every room, and if a part of me is honest, after the threesome the only thing that bothered me about it, was that I cheated. Being with you has always been amazing, and you’ve been the one person that I could always count on to give me the truth, or a pep talk, or even just a hug if I needed it._

 

_GOD I wish I could have a hug from you right now._

 

_But… I can’t. You’re possessed by a child who uses me as his personal entertainment._

_For a while I was angry, because you shot the damn thing without consulting me first. Now I realize that despite what you might say, you did it out of love for me. Which makes what is going on, so much fucking harder._

_Shit...I’m crying again._

_-_

Quentin tried to calm himself down, which turned into him sobbing for 20 minutes, curled up in the chair and trembling as he tried to reach some semblance of “calm” again. Once he was sure that he wasn’t going to ruin the page by crying, he finds himself writing again, determined to finish before he is interrupted.

-

_Everyone is working so hard to fix this, and to fix the Library’s hoarding of magic. I need you to know that. We have NOT given up on you, and I won’t ever give up on you._

_But i’m not okay right now. I...I don’t know how to climb out of this hole, because you’re the light at the end of the tunnel and the longer this goes on, the further away you seem to get._

_I...I’ll try to be okay, but I don’t know that I can make that promise. So, instead of promising you that, I will promise you this instead._

_No matter whether I am here, in Fillory, in the Underworld, or anywhere else when you wake up, I promise you that I love you. My heart, my soul, and everything else belongs to you Eliot Waugh, and I don’t want you to forget that._

 

_So if I’m not here when you get back...Live._

_The world is a better place with you in it, and I know that if I do something stupid, you’ll come find me._

 

_I guess what i’m trying to say El, is that I love you. No matter what happens, don’t forget that. When you get your body back, we’ll figure everything out, and maybe we can try again, another proof of concept._

_Is that Alright?_

 

_Peaches and Plums Motherfucker, Forever and Always,_

_With all my love,_

 

_Quentin Coldwater_

_P.S. If I’m gone, watch out for Julia for me?_

-

Quentin stared at the pages, swallowing and folding them up to put them in the envelope. He then sealed it, and wrote on the front in large letters - “ELIOT WAUGH’S EYES ONLY” to make sure that no one else read it. He then looked around, trying to find something that he could hide the letter in.

He ultimately settled, not on his signed Fillory and Further copy, but on a book he and Eliot read together in Fillory. Consequently, this book was also Julia’s favorite “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” By L. Frank Baum.

Quentin tucked the letter inside the book lovingly, and clutched it to his chest. He closed the book again. “Eliot...I hope i’m brave enough to survive this, and fix how we broke.”

He curled up in bed, still clutching the book to his chest, willing himself to sleep, though he knew that by morning The Monster would want his undivided attention again.

Finally, Quentin drifted off, dreaming of the mosaic; he felt soft grass underneath him, Eliot’s lips on his skin, the taste of peach juice on his lips. It was a quiet, gentle reprieve of his darkness. A memory he would carry with him through death.


	2. Black Eyes, Blue Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Eliot writes a letter, and attempts to make good on his promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention in the Notes for the first chapter, that each of these titles is a reference. 
> 
> The fic itself has a title inspired by the A Star is Born soundtrack, that I found fitting.   
> The chapters themselves are references to Shania Twain songs, if you're interested in them feel free to look it up :) 
> 
> I hope you guys like this! I wanna know what you guys think about a possible fix-it based in this same verse.

 

It had been exactly two weeks, three days, seven hours, twenty minutes, and fifteen seconds since Eliot woke to discover that Quentin was dead. At first, he had felt nothing but the searing pain of the Sorrow that had forced the Monster from him. Once the dust settled though, Eliot felt something that was far worse. 

The first two days he did nothing but scream, and sob, and throw things. He passed through the devastation the only way he knew how. Sometime during that whirlwind, he found the letter from Quentin.

He read the letter at **least** twenty times. Over and over again. It was a lifeline, a connection to Q. 

 

“ _ I know that if I do something stupid, you’ll come find me.”  _

_ “The world is a better place with you in it.”  _

 

_ “Is that Alright?”  _

 

The next day, Eliot went and got Julia, and the two of them began to make a plan. Things progressed quickly from there, and two nights later, Eliot sat down at the very same table that Q had written his letter on.

“Maybe this is part of being braver.” He said aloud, alone in the room. He took the pen and put it to the paper, taking a deep breath before he began to write. 

-

_ Quentin,  _

_ My beautiful, sweet, ridiculous, awkward Quentin.  _

 

_ What can I even say? So much has happened, so many things need to be said, and so many things need to be fixed. _

 

_ You were always the mender here, not me.  _

 

_ I’m mad at you, for leaving me here, for not staying, for not holding on just a little longer. But also i’m mad at our friends, who should have seen you spiraling and apparently didn’t.  _

_ If you are my disaster, then I’m your catastrophe. You never pushed too fast with us, I just… _

 

_ I got scared. I would burn the world to the ground if it meant I could be with you again, and that scares the absolute living shit out of me.  _

_ B _ _ ut you aren’t here, which means you can’t stop me from being reckless, and stupid, and hopelessly brave in trying to get you back. _

_ Julia and I aren’t done, we’re going to bring you back if I have to rip Hades’ balls off to make it happen.  _

_ Because the truth is, when we met all I had known in my life was pain; pain that I medicated and ignored with booze, and drugs, and fucking.  _

 

_ You were never a burden on me, and my biggest regret was rejecting you after we came back from the Mosaic. The moment the words left my mouth I knew I had done something that I would regret for the rest of my life.  _

_ So I thought that I would keep you from becoming the Jailor, by killing the Monster.  _

_ I thought that if I did all of that, then I could wrap you in my arms when the dust settled and make everything alright again.  _

 

_ I was naive, and I fucked things up in a way that I don’t know if I can fix. That won’t stop me from trying though. You never gave up on me, not once. So, I won’t give up on you either.  _

_ Sometimes your mind breaks, and sometimes you can’t see just how wonderful you are. So I don’t blame you for losing the fight. I don’t blame you for leaving me here.  _

_ T _ _ his is not the end of our story Quentin MakePeace Coldwater.  _

 

_ Because when I get down there, I’m going to wrap you in my arms, and I am NEVER going to let you go again. I will get down on my knees right there, and I will beg you to...to come home, to marry me. _

_ Fifty Years is a hell of a proof of concept, and I want another fifty, or a hundred, or a THOUSAND more. So just wait for me. Wait for me and I will make this right.  _

 

_ If you refuse to come back, then I’ll stay there with you. I don’t want to live in a world without you in it Quentin.  _

_ You’ve asked me to live, but how can I live without my better half? How can I live without the only one who has ever made me feel worth loving? _

_ I failed many things in my life. I failed as a king, I failed as a husband, as a father, but I will not fail you.  _

_ I’ve failed you too many times already and I would rather DIE than to disappoint you again. _

_ Fillory may have been disappointing for you, but I will not disappoint you further. I will be brave for you, even if it scares me.  _

 

_ Since you made me a promise. Let me make you one in return.  _

_ I promise you, that when we see each other again; you will know just how loved, and cherished, and needed you are. I won’t let you go another day without that.  _

_ I can’t imagine what you’re doing down there right now, but even if it is the most ballsy, fucking amazing orgy my brain can come up with, you’re mine dammit, and I’m not giving up until you’re here with me again.  _

_ I will be your safe space to fall. I will give you all of me.  _

 

_ Peaches and Plums Motherfucker, Always and Forever, _

_ With all of me, body, heart, and soul, _

 

_ Eliot Coldwater-Waugh _

_ - _

 

Eliot took a deep, ragged breath. He stared down at the page he had just written. “This isn’t enough. This could  _ never _ be enough. How do you put in words what a life means to you? How can I make sure he knows just how much I --- “ he didn’t realize he had been speaking aloud, until Julia cleared her throat from the doorway. 

 

“He knew.” 

 

Her words were simple, and he could see that she had been crying. 

“He knew you loved him, and if I had seen what he was struggling with sooner, maybe I would have helped him, saved him, done SOMETHING to prevent this.” 

Julia was trembling visibly, and Eliot felt his hand twitch, out of a weird phantom urge to comfort her, though he did promise Quentin he would. He swallowed hard, folding the letter and putting it in an envelope. He stood, walking over and pulling Julia into a hug. 

 

“This isn’t over. We will bring him back, and when we do, we’ll figure out how to show him just how much we love him.” 

It wasn’t much, but it was enough to give him something to focus on. He would take care of Julia like Q asked, but he would not stop until Quentin was alive, and safe, and no longer at risk of breaking. 

They had done impossible things before, key quests, killing gods, collecting shades, and this would be another impossible thing they would overcome. 

 

“ _ Peaches and Plums Motherfucker, We’re coming to get you _ ” Eliot thought, before they went back to work. Quentin was waiting after all. 


End file.
